Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Another one of those days...

Geez... you ever have one of those days where things just don't seem to connect? This was one of those weeks for me. It seems pointless to write about it, but... I suppose I'm in one of those moods to vent, and I don't want to complain to anyone. But, in the event that perhaps someone else feels this way, looks like you must suffer through it. (Ahh -- it's wonderful to live in a free country! If you don't like what you're reading? Then don't!) I've never vented on this before, so... lets see how I feel after this comes out. Where do I start? See, I'm completely burnt-out. The winter break can not come soon enough. I guess the problem is that some people forget that I'm human. Well, hmmm... that's really not a problem. Who really cares what other people think of me. See, the problem occurs when the person that forgets my humanity is me. Sometimes, I put so much pressure on myself to do everything perfect, which, of course, is completely impossible. Why? Because I'm human -- subject to error, mistakes, failure, etc.. I suppose we all need to remind ourselves of that. The key to remember is that, as long as the empirical probability of making mistakes is far less than the empirical probability of success with your projects, homework, daily commitments, teaching, research, relationships, breathing, sleeping, eating pizza, (mmm... pizza) etc., then that day would be labeled as being a good day, right? But, what failure rate should I place on the meaning of success? Worse yet, what does it mean to be successful? By whose measures? Oh boy, I think I've been taking too many statistics classes! Going through this grueling process of getting a PhD does weird things to your head. I'm getting more analytical of everything. I'm now dreaming of my research and projects that I work on. I'm learning that getting a PhD can be one of the most grueling, intense, stressful, and disheartening tasks one can go through. There needs to be reward as well! There is only so much one can take. Awwww.... poor Brian! Will someone please get me a freakin violin? :-) Ok Brian, let's remind ourselves of what a close friend of mine told me. She summed up academia in one word -- JUDGMENT! It's all about JUDGMENT. You are constantly judged. They summarize a small limited part of your current life into one numerical value between 0.0 and 4.0. You are judged against your peers, against your own performance, and against other subjective standards that are set up as criterion on which to weigh your performance. If there was ever a time where I needed to be thick-skinned, solid in my commitment, and remember EXACTLY the purpose why I am here, it would be now. But, that goes contrary to the part I said earlier about not caring what other people think. I did a lot of work years ago to eliminate that need for approval from people. I swung a bit too far away for a while there, but now I think I've found a happy medium. See, I think it's important to, at least, always consider the counsel of those around you. You never know what you may learn in the process. However, just because someone tells you what to do or what they think, it doesn't mean you have to take it to heart. I've learned that as long as you know what you are doing is right inside you, that's all that matters. But, now I have to care about what other people think! The success/failure of my PhD completely depends on the judgment of those that are over me. Perhaps that is what I'm feeling this angst towards. I'm having to revert back to feeling like I need to kiss certain bottoms, occasionally play certain political games, and constantly be bowing toward every demand that is made of me. Maybe I'm rebelling a little against it. I've been told that I'm too much of an idealist at times, always thinking the best of people, and that I'm setting myself up to get burned. I think I've been better with my B.S. detection. But, anyways, getting back to seeking approval -- there needs to be a fine line. You need to achieve the best you can do, but... you need to do it for yourself, and that's it! If you know inside you that the performance you exerted on some project or research was truly the best you could muster up at the time, then.... I guess that's all you can do. (Funny... I can see my mom telling me these words way back when I was in grade school! I guess I was always a perfectionist with my academic work.) But, I know I could have done better under different circumstances. That's the part that irritates me and gets underneath my supposed thick-skin. I have so many different things going on at the same time, combined with feeling lousy (it seems like the entire campus is one big cold virus factory in Nov.-Dec.), I'm not getting sleep, etc., that I know I did my best under these circumstances. But... I couldn't believe I fell into that trap -- I started with the excuses! I started trying to explain the reason for my sub-par performance. Damn! That's probably the part that irritated me the most! There's no reason to explain! As long as you know you did your best, Brian, then that's it. The end. Nada. Finito. Done. No more. They don't want to hear my excuses. Being an instructor, I know I sometimes get tired of the excuses as well, and I fell into the trap. I suppose that's part of being human. And, on days that I would mark down as utter "failure" like today, I know, in the grand scheme of things, that I have had many more successes to balance out this one bad day. Why does human nature sometimes only dwell on the negative? I'm getting better at it. The mere fact that I can be more subjective and view failure in light of all of my successes is a good thing. (See? Statistics has been helpful!) Ugh.... I had a few friends that went through the PhD process in different disciplines warn me that I WILL experience times when I feel like quitting, and that I have to be solid in my commitment and always remember why I chose this path, regardless of the many obstacles that will come along. It seems like sometimes the department's intent is strictly to weed out those that can't make it through the research phase, so as not to waste their time. I hear it's the same everywhere at the PhD level. I'm used to breezing through Math/CSI classes as an undergrad. I also did well with my masters. But, something is just different right now, and I can't put my finger on it yet. This is all probably a combination of a lack of sleep and a lack of pizza. But anyways, once again, I go back to the fact that this is all about judgment. If "they" deem me to be a worthy student to take on under their guidance and advisement, then I'll be okay. But, every damn semester, I've had to constantly reface the challenge of trying to find an advisor that will take me on. Once again -- judgment. I know there are other PhD students in the program that are superior to me in some areas of Comp.Sci. However, I know I have my strengths as well. Yes, as I have even mentioned to my students (I sometimes need to remember my own advice), we're all different, unique beings with different strengths and weaknesses. To learn about a discipline that you are weak in is still learning something about yourself. But... sometimes it just seems that I'm learning a lot of that. Don't worry, I recognize that I'm being slightly pessimistic, and not looking at everything in respect to the entire picture. (Or, in stats, the entire sample space.) Once again, it's just the state of my being right now - I'm weary. A few nights of some restful night sleeps, and I'm sure things will be fine. Actually, I feel I must end this positively. I'm closer than I ever have been to deciding on a research direction, and I've come across an advisor that seems to be interested in me, and I really appreciate his attitude and style. That is something that I am very thankful for right now, since that has been bothering me for about a year now. I'm really hopeful it's going to work out. I won't know until the summer at the earliest...

Oh yeah, I know this isn't the most grueling, stressful job a person can have. I think being a parent is worse. But, I've always been told that parenting comes with many more rewards than stress. Well, maybe not all parents feel that way, but fortunately, my parents have said that... :-) I guess that's something else to be thankful for. Hey, what the heck is this, Thanksgiving? That was last week! I want to be miserable, and I can't even do that right.:-)